why, yellow looks so good on you.

non-maternity maternity clothes

2009-08-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

sometimes maternity clothes are super cute, and sometimes they seemed to be designed to make you look even more beastly than you already feel.

i got pretty lucky, in that i was able to get a lot of maternity clothes from my sister and from shamu's cousin, so i bought very few clothes at all for ever-burgeoning baby monster.* i've found a few non-maternity items that i've been able to wear all the way up until now (39 weeks and 6 days!). this may have been easier for me to pull off because i have a high-riding baby who doesn't happen to stick out as much. and, i have to confess, it was fun for momma to buy something for herself once or twice and not feel like she is totally wasting money.

things that happened to work for me:

1. knit tops from anthropologie: most of these tops are cut A-line and/or have an empire waist, and are pretty long. so they're stretchy, comfortable, look nice and can cover up the belly for quite a while. (i had already owned some from the clearance rack before becoming preggers.)

2. ribbed tank tops from the gap: again, the length is key. when i'm lounging at home like a sweaty bloated whale (which is a lot, these days), i usually wearing one of these tank tops and shamu's boxer shorts.

3. tankini bathing suit: i found that several "maternity" bathing suits were essentially a large skirt-like tank on top, which is fine for going in the pool but too much material if you actually want to swim. i ended up getting a suit one size larger than one i would normally wear, which did a good job with coverage for both the boobs and the belly. (and i got it for $20 off the clearance rack at Target, sweet).

4. knit A-line skirts from American Apparel: i bought two of these a couple years ago. unfortunately i don't think they sell them any more, but the large stretchy waistband and A-line cut are the keys. good for hotter weather and easier to deal with you have a full bladder and you are making a mad dash to the toilet because you are about to sneeze.

5. stretchy knit dresses in a bigger size: baby doll, wrap, and even a black number from a store that i have never shopped in before (Martin + Osa) and i am absolutely sure that in a Large, was supposed to be low-cut and sexy for a 7-foot tall waifish eastern European model but also covers the belly quite comfortably.

*not the baby. I am the baby monster, yet another fantastic nickname cooked up by shamu.

things i didn't think about before i got knocked up, part 1: small stuff

2009-06-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

besides the aforementioned flat feet & sore boobs, some others:

1. the warm comforting glow of the internet: everyone's pregnancy is different. if you're like me and don't know too many women who have had children, you might not know if what you're going through is "normal." (and you don't want to call your doctor every other day.) e.g. when i started getting nauseous again too weeks ago, it wasn't helpful to ask my sister, whose total experience w/ "morning sickness" in her last pregnancy was three weeks of first trimester. but hooray for google and random people commenting on blogs to let me know that while not common, or fun, pretty normal.

2. morning sickness can come back in the third trimester: wtf. really.

3. clumsiness: and nope, not clumsiness because you're like a large whale lurking through the aisles of target, but clumsiness as in just dropping everything all the time. knocking stuff over with your elbows. losing fine motor skills. whatever few you had. at the same time that bending over and picking up stuff gets a bit more challenging every week. i could try to tell myself it has something to do with joint changes, but really. my fat ass is just clumsy.

4. underwear stock: (warning: gross references coming) not the case for everyone, but i did have to get some larger pairs of underwear (see "fat ass" in #3). this was helpful bc you go through a lot of underwear. yeast infections, random unknown discharge, and peeing on yourself when you sneeze-- you get the picture. and doing laundry gets more cumbersome in later weeks. so it's just easier to have a lot of pairs on hand.

5. friends telling you that you look great: even though i always thought pregnant women looked fantastic (before i became pregnant myself), i have felt like a growing beast this entire time. and so it's very nice and helpful to have your friends tell you that you look great, esp. if your parents are like mine, who have told me nearly every week that i am getting too fat and should "watch out."

imitation is the best form of flattery

2009-06-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

after dinner today, i found myself sitting across the table from cc surfing the web on my computer while he was playing WoW on his computer.

hgb: hey- we're like shamu and lag2 tonight.
cc: yea, except we're not working.

this is what medicine is like to a public health person

2009-06-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

Last week's New Yorker is generating a good bit of buzz b.c. of an article by Atul Gawande on health care spending. It's very well written and I like it, and I'm glad he wrote it. On the other hand, hard not to be a little bit irritated, as in hey, everyone else in public health, health care policy, health care economics, you name it- has known this was going on for a while, but no one listens until the Harvard surgeon talks about it.

Anyways. Highly recommend if you have the time.
The Cost Conundrum. What a Texas town can teach us about health care.

And apparently, Obama has the time.

delinquent updates

2009-06-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

sorry for the delays, things have been jam-packed here over at casa de shamu.

among others:

1. no gestational diabetes, yay! which then became some rather frightening weeks of an all-out cake fest...followed by some scolding by my doctor. oops.

2. running had to stop a while ago, from the flat feet and the swollen legs. kind of a surprise- i would have thought that the problem would be the belly, but nope. it's the lower extremities that won't cooperate. possibly leading to problems in 1.

3. friends threw us a really wonderful baby shower, low key, in their backyard with dim sum and homemade cake. everyone hanging out, kids running around, just great to see all of our friends. before we never see them again.

4. shamu is totally nesting. last weekend he & eb went to babies r us and ikea. hgb asked if people thought they were a gay couple at babies r us...it hadn't occurred to either one of them :) eb was like, no, it felt perfectly natural!

5. i am enviously not nesting. the past couple weeks have been consumed by trying to get out a grant proposal, blech.

as indicated by more dreams..

lag2: i dreamt that you, [your colleauge], and i were sitting in the cafeteria talking about why health care costs are so high.

shamu: i dreamt that our baby was eating her first solid foods, and we were all excited and took pictures. and then she went poop, and we were all excited, and took pictures of that, too!

*sigh*

can't wait to switch gears and get back to doing all the preparing for the baby, rather than doing all other things that need to be done before the baby...

p.s. design is from "Fail" at threadless.com. not sure why i can't embed anymore, too tired to try to figure it out.

what dreams may come

2009-05-20T23:07:00.000-07:00

i think you're supposed to have all kinds of weird, baby-related dreams during pregnancy but i can't say that's happened to me yet. the most vivid dream so far was one in which the Cylons unleashed a plague just before launching a nuclear holocaust on the planet.

shamu, on the other hand, i think qualifies as having his own pregnancy dream. of sorts.

shamu: last night i dreamt i had another kidney stone! but it didn't hurt, and i peed it right out. then i fished it out of the toilet with my hand, and i wanted to know what was in it. so i took a bite out of it.

lag2: yuck!

shamu: it tasted salty!

what we did for Soon-To-Be-Mother's Day

2009-05-12T23:05:00.000-07:00

shamu got me a bunch of fresh-picked angry Romulans.

(okay, he didn't realize it was mother's day, he just got tickets for the first available day he could to see Star Trek on an Imax screen. and yes, i went along with it.)

p.s. rating: actually better as a film, but not as good as wolverine for reminder of supposed sentimental holiday. and asian man not as hot.

nesting, house of shamu style

2009-05-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

so i've heard about the Nesting "instinct," which is apparently quite strong and can give you huge bursts of energy to remodel your house, or wake up at 3 am and spot clean all the walls, or (and this is my sister) to buy every organizational aid known to man from the container store and yes, actually put things in those linen storage bins, with labels. (yes, people really do use them. not just martha stewart. or the stylists at Real Simple magazine.)

this has been my experience with Nesting so far:

lag2: shamu, why don't you clean your desk?

lag2: shamu, after you clean your desk, maybe you can move the printer over to my desk, then you can put the filing cabinet where the printer table is right now.

lag2: hey shamu, maybe after the baby shower you can invite the guys to hang out at our house and move furniture. then they can help you can move your desk up into the loft, move the futon from the loft into the guest room, and move the guest bed into the office where your desk used to be.

lag2: thanks!

p.s. btw, people have asked us what color the baby's room is going to be. answer: blue. not because we are trying to be progressive and free her from any potential gender stereotypes, etc., but because her mom and dad are lazy. and cheap. the room is already blue. that's what she gets.

the best part of X-Men Origins: Wolverine

2009-05-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

shamu and i are trying to get ourselves out of the house, assuming that we are going to be imprisoned by the baby for the next 18 years, but it's very hard since we are such homebodies.

in a courageous effort to garner quality, romantic date time together, he suggested we go see the new movie about Wolverine.

we both went to pee before the movie started (maybe he is channeling tiny pregnant bladder??) and while shamu was gone, a nissan sports car commercial came on the screen:

a man sleeping in bed.
stentorian male voice-over: there are some things best left forgotten. YOUR ANNIVERSARY IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

the man's eyes snap open, he dashes into his car and races off, and before you know it, he has popped an anniversary card next to his still-sleeping wife.

shamu conveniently returned right after the commercial ended. i described it to him.
lag2: hey, so...um...oops?
shamu: oh...oops! at least we BOTH forgot that our anniversary is tomorrow!
lag2: you're so lucky you're married to me.

p.s. the pic above is daniel henney, the actor who plays agent zero and is probably the second-best part of the movie.

the contagion of bad ideas

2009-05-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

follow up to last Wednesday's post on non-viable baby names...

lag1: ha ha, i'm going to call your baby nene from now on...
lag2: arrgh, please don't-
lag1: nene, nene.
lag2: nene sounds like a nickname for someone's private parts.
lag1: ....
lag1: oh...you're right...okay, maybe not.

we might have a name for her before she starts kindergarten

2009-04-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

as you probably already know, shamu has a special gift for thinking up especially bad nicknames and baby names.

these days, we are running into some difficulty picking out a real, i-don't-want-my-child-to-get-her-ass-kicked-in-school name. shamu has vetoed the 10 or so that i have come up with so far, and i have only vomited slightly at his ideas. lately he has taken to just suggesting whatever is on tv.

shamu: how about if we name the baby "chuck"?
lag2: no
shamu: chuck?
lag2: no
shamu: chuck?
lag2: why don't you switch the channel back to the playoffs?

...
shamu: chauncey?
lag2: no
shamu: carmelo?
lag2: no
shamu: kenyon?
lag2: no
shamu: nene?
....

and then i had a haagen dasz ice cream bar, some cupcakes, and a couple glasses of 100% fruit juice

2009-04-26T22:34:00.001-07:00

i had my glucose screening test this past week. this will indicate whether i need further testing and maybe ultimately be condemned to the somewhat tortuous state of gestational diabetes (hungry! all the time! no carbs! no more scarfing down ice cream bars while waiting for the bus! or baking myself a cake and eating the whole thing w/o shamu!)...which my sister has gone through in BOTH of her pregnancies.

however, while my sister radiates brisk efficiency, competence, and above all, fortitude, um, i don't. that's why she's the big sister and i am not.

anyways, i did drink my syrupy sweet orange soda-like glucose and am dutifully waiting for the call. or rather, i am torn between having another red velvet cupcake and wondering if that would really destroy my chances if i have to take a glucose tolerance test next week.

(at this rate, the baby, at birth, will weigh more than shamu. just like her mama.)

p.s. everyone told me to drink it chilled, which would take the edge of the nastiness. but actually, it's not that bad. it's only about half the volume of the oral contrast one has to take for a CT scan, and the tastte is quite a bit better than the metallic fake pineapple chalky of said contrast.

2009-04-16T20:28:00.001-07:00

A follow up to one of my recent posts.

"What do you do when you're NASA and comedian Stephen Colbert wins your contest to name the new wing for the International Space Station? You name an orbital exercise machine after him."

Yesterday on the Colbert Report, astronaut Sunita Williams announced that NASA chose to name the new room "Tranquility" even though "Colbert" earned the most votes by a landslide. Not to worry Colbertnation fans- Tranquility will house the latest treadmill- the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill (or COLBERT) to keep our astronauts in shape.

"I think a treadmill is better than a node ... because the node is just a box for the treadmill," Colbert deadpanned. "Nobody says, 'Hey, my mom bought me a Nike box.' They want the shoes that are inside."

boobs

2009-04-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

yeah, shamu is enjoying this part more than i am. i was never as generously gifted as my sister in this department, so it was definitely a high point during the first trimester when i had to go out and buy new bras.

but then they kinda hurt. a lot. and so these babies have been locked up in a sports bra every night since then.

i'm reaching a point where i probably have to move up another size, and i just learned that maybe i should move up a couple more, so i can stuff it with cash and save myself from stray bullets.

baby's new homies

2009-04-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

-- left to right, the Tse-tse doll from JZ (and EZ-E and the irrepressible young GZ), from the super cool Mahar Drygoods, and then the awesome animals and blanket handmade by klau. (btw, klau, at the rate that i'm blowing up, it's a tough call as to whether this baby will be the "smaller" one...)

thanks, so much, to our friends-- we feel so lucky that the baby is benefiting from all their creativity and generosity!

the best part of easter

2009-04-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

is the Washington Post Third Annual Peeps diorama contest!

but curses, i can't figure out how to post a linked picture here, so you will just have to take a look for yourself.

and although it didn't win, the Octomom Peeps was one of my favorites...

p.s. yep, i posted about this last year and it just doesn't get old.

G-Day

2009-03-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

okay, so we're super super excited to be having a little girl!! (and yeah, i would write that sentence the same way if we were having a boy, i am sure).

i have to admit, i was getting nervous in the run-up to yesterday, when we finally decided to find out the baby's gender. not because of us, but because of Grandma Shamu. for a boy, i would expect a barrage of calls from here on out, telling me what to eat, what to do, what not to do, never venture from the front door, etc., because god forbid anything endanger her precious grandson. for a girl, i would expect a barrage of calls from here on out, telling me what to eat, what to do, what not to do, etc., so we could try to have another baby (i.e., baby boy) AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. never mind that there are no vacancies in the Motel Uterus at the moment.

as it is, shamu and i are going to savor the moment for a few more days before we call her and begin the lifelong process of counter-programming against Chinese tradition. so that we, like Brother Shamu, will be able to lie convincingly to our girl when she, like our niece, asks, "Would Grandma like me better if I was a boy?"

okay, sorry for the gloomy note! we really are happy and excited, and i am already envisioning doing her hair in little pig-tails so she can go outside and play one-on-one basketball with daddy.

lag2: oh, i hope our girl is like you!
shamu: me too.
lag2: yeah. wait, hey....

p.s. tribute picture of dora before she gets all tarted up by Mattel.

p.p.s. pictures up on facebook, if you would like to get a peek.

it's not a popularity contest

2009-03-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

NASA's online contest to name a new room at the international space station went awry. Comedian Stephen Colbert won.

The name "Colbert" beat out NASA's four suggested options in the space agency's effort to have the public help name the addition. The new room will be launched later this year.

NASA's mistake was allowing write-ins. Colbert urged viewers of his Comedy Central show, "The Colbert Report" to write in his name. And they complied, with 230,539 votes. That clobbered Serenity, one of the NASA choices, by more than 40,000 votes. Nearly 1.2 million votes were cast by the time the contest ended Friday.

NASA reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. Agency spokesman John Yembrick said NASA will decide in April, but will give top vote-getters "the most consideration."

the daddy shamu

2009-03-23T23:42:00.000-07:00

shamu has taken to talking to the belly--but before you say, "Awww! How cute!", i should point out that this involves bringing his face in close range, almost shouting out conversations such as:

shamu: Hi Baby! This is Daddy! You can't see me but I'm making faces at you! Ha ha ha!

or

shamu: Hi Baby! This is Daddy! Mommy is sitting on my lap, and if I put some dollar bills in her pants, she'll start dancing!

or

shamu: Hi Baby! This is Daddy! (i am guessing the baby knows by now who is doing all the shouting) LeBron pulled another triple-double last night. TRIPLE-DOUBLE, Baby. Pay attention. This is what you should do too.

you would think that we would have perhaps assessed our own readiness/maturity for parenthood before embarking on this adventure...

the motherlode

2009-03-23T21:56:00.000-07:00

only 20 weeks old, and the baby has more outfits than i do...

shamu and i went on a shopping spree in our friends' garage. this pic is of maybe half the clothes. we also got a crib, rocking chair, stroller, and some misc. items. hooray for friends with older kids!

seeing my parents for the first time since i became pregnant

2009-03-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

dad: you look good.
lag2: thanks!
dad: yeah. you have fewer spots on your face.

flat feet

2009-03-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

something i didn't think about at all re: pregnancy and didn't come up in those books.

my feet are already flat as it is. it's sort of reassuring, i suppose, knowing that your arches fall- it's not just all the extra weight dragging me down :) it's been good for me to exercise while preggers but i'm having trouble running because my arches are killing me! i tried getting arch supports, but that's not helping. i pretty much jog for as long as i can take it, pause and shake out my feet, and jog some more. or i just take off my shoes and socks and walk for a while. i really don't want to go out and by another pair of shoes just for the next few months, but i'm at a loss for a better solution...

status report: head, clear. thighs, huge.

2009-03-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

this is how i was feeling 1.5-2 weeks ago. the numbing nausea/fatigue fog finally lifted from my head...and i woke up to realize that the 10-week diet of goldfish crackers, bread, ginger ale, and jamba juice had bypassed the baby and gone straight to my thighs. and butt.

i mean, i am 100% in favor in having a nice big belly cushion around baby shamu since momma has been known to trip over her own feet, even with a "normal" center of balance- but really, the thighs? despite the economic crisis, we're not in danger of starving. or hibernating during the harsh california winter.

at any rate, i'm feeling much better and momma is ready to rumble. (all the way to the girl scout cookies)

back in the saddle. with saddlebags.

2009-03-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

hello, dear readers (all three of you)!

yep, i'm back from the usual 3-month hiatus in which i was distracted by real life, only to be reminded that life is just not the same when you aren't wasting time posting meaningless drivel on the internet.

in the past couple months, i've come to appreciate the beauty of how facebook and blogs help me keep up with friends and family, without actually having to speak to them.

with the baby shamu coming along the way, i figure i owe my own friends this much, and so here goes...

p.s. for those of you new to this blog, a brief history:

this is officially a blog with three contributors, yours truly (lag2), lag1, and hgb.

spring 2005: lag1 gets into this new "blogging" thing, musing about life and goings-on and harasses me to join her. i make some poor attempts at "thoughtful" commentary.

2006: blog begins slow descent into posts of links and making fun of friends/family. by now, have completely taken over blog and lag1 cannot get a word in edgewise.

2007-08: posts get even shorter. start of "themes" that involve making fun of not only friends/family, but asian people in general. and celebrities. because i am creative like that.

2008: hgb joins the fray, but remains shy, perhaps b.c. she is actually a nice person and does not have the natural inclination to make fun of people's weaknesses.

2009: lag2 joins the overcrowded pregnancy/mom blogosphere, counting on periodic contributions from hgb to keep it interesting.

what's your sign?

2008-12-02T17:44:00.001-08:00

move over martha stewart...

2008-11-28T14:01:00.000-08:00

"Your period comes every month, but Xmas comes only once a year. So bring that menstrual joy to this holiday season with these tampon tree decorations. From a string of tampon lights to a star at the top of the tree, feminine hygiene has never been so festive!"

don't worry- this isn't just limited to Christmas. There are lots of creative ideas for holidays and special days throughout the year!

while I am happy you are enjoying yourselves

2008-11-23T21:56:00.000-08:00

shamu, who doesn't even read this blog, has submitted the following contribution, from one of his colleagues:

"Dear neighbors,

"I am writing you with an unusual request. You may not have had the opportunity to notice that the walls, ceilings, and floors in our complex are extraordinarily thin. Unfortunately, that provides all of us with less privacy then [sic] we would like. Multiple times over the last several months my wife and I have been awakened from sleep by loud yells and moans....While I am happy you are enjoying yourselves, I am requesting that you show consideration for my wife and I who must awaken early to work long days. I have not approached you before given 1)this is awkward and 2)I actually have no idea who is engaging in these last night extracurricular activities....Thank you for your understanding."

"Sincerely,

[your neighbor upstairs]

Yo Momma Joke of the Day

2008-11-12T15:57:00.000-08:00

as part of our theme of continuing education, we are taking it up another notch and going from Word of the Day to Quotes of the Day to....

"She's so dumb, she thinks soy milk is Spanish for 'I am milk!'"

-Wyatt Cenac, Sarah Palin jokes for a segment with Wyatt Cenac on the Daily Show on November 6.

p.s. my mom used to make kick-ass fresh soy milk at home.

the dangers of letting the conversation stray from nephrology

2008-11-07T16:13:00.001-08:00

(shamu continues in his adventures to educate his fellow men-children)

shamu offers a chair for eb to sit on in our tiny hotel room. on spying a folded up napkin on the chair, eb declines politely saying: that looks like a tampon. i don't want to touch it!

shamu: If anything, i would say it looks like a Maxi-pad, not a tampon.
eb: Oh yeah, same thing.
shamu: You know one goes inside and the other goes on the outside?
eb: One's like a Cadillac and the other is a Buick.
shamu: Oh, and did you know you don't have to have both at the same time?
eb: Really, you don't?

(meanwhile, i am keeping silent, letting them muddle through the intricacies on their own. that's how you learn, right?)

and the convo goes on...
eb: it's like Coke and Sprite
shamu: to you, it's like benazepril and losartan, right? except sometimes you use them synergistically.
eb: but why would you use them synergistically? why not use wings?

for your consideration

2008-11-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

i am sure that there will be a "Best YouTube videos for Barack Obama" contest, right? Well, children and coastal japanese agree- Obama is their man.

new threadless tees

2008-11-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

lag2- i think these would be perfect for you.

it's not easy being a foodie: exhibit B

2008-11-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

as the result of brother lag1's e-mail for their impending journey to famed Thomas Keller restaurant French Laundry--
lag1: My cousin showed up with tupperware!!!!!

we felt very patriotic AND domestic at the same time!

2008-11-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

hgb: Darn it...I tried to write "Change" but there's only room for CHANG.

Proposal to ban short, skinny small chested motorbike drivers provokes disbelief in Vietnam

2008-10-31T12:35:00.000-07:00

G4 TV: your source for the latest election coverage

2008-10-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

my thanks to G4TV, for encouraging shamu's interest in current events:

p.s. to my sister: G4TV is a special network for those poor young men neglected by other "mainstream" networks, performing a valuable public service in catering to their video game, tech and hot babe needs.

do you wanna play house?

2008-10-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

i got a phone call from shamu this past weekend.
shamu: hey, are you interested in new experiences?
me: huh?
shamu: just answer the question- yes or no. sasha wanted me to ask you.
me: i suppose...

apparently, sasha had invited shamu and lag2 to go hear a famous dj play house music at some club in hollywood. he had already been shut down by his wife, and quickly thereafter, was also denied by shamu and lag2.
sasha's response to shamu and lag2's rejection (in a very haughty voice): they are probably at home cooking their organic dinner.

alas, it wasn't meant to be. we discovered that the party was way too late so we never made it.

it's not easy being a foodie, exhibit A

2008-10-29T11:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Brother Lag1,

Thank you for making your dining reservation at The French Laundry.

Your reservation for a party of 5 has been made for Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 8:00 PM.

Our dress code is no jeans, tennis shoes, shorts, or tee shirts. Jackets are required for gentlemen.

For the comfort of our diners, no photography is permitted in the dining room. For your convenience, our professional photographer will take your picture at the entrance of the restaurant. You will have the opportunity to preview your photo during the sorbet course and you may purchase your photo ($20 for the first photo, $15 for each additional photo). Photos with Thomas Keller may be taken, subject to availability (supplement charge applies).

You may want to bring food storage containers for leftovers. We do not provide "doggie" bags, as they detract from the atmosphere. Thomas Keller-designed food storage containers are also available for purchase.

We recommend you bring an extra set of clothes for your drive home if you are not staying in the Yountville area. Previous diners have recommended sweatpants or other expandable waist clothing items. Please do not wear these in the dining room. A changing room is available.

We also recommend that you bring a thermos of coffee for your drive home if you are not staying in the Yountville area. The French Laundry is not responsible for food-coma induced incidents during your drive home.

The French Laundry is located at:

6640 Washington St.
Yountville, CA 94599
Phone: 707.944.2380
Fax: 707.944.1974

For more information (dress code, parking, map, etc.) or to make reservations at The French Laundry:
http://www.opentable.com/restaurant_profile.asp?ID=1180&restref=1180

p.s. thanks, lag1, for sharing your brother's hidden literary talents...

yes, my (yellow) brother put me up to this

2008-10-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

First Asian Boy
-by TimothyDeLaGhetto2
"we got aunties who can do your hair...your nails...your math homework..."

he hasn't been this giddy ever since eb moved away

2008-10-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

we are so excited that shamu's old college roommate, dr. sasha, has moved to town. after ten years, they can be reunited once again for such special moments as their fantasy basketball draft, and heart-to-heart conversations like the following:

sasha: when all the nephrologists get together for a national meeting, do they use a common urinal?

barack o'lanterns?

2008-10-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

so i am all for political participation but this is way more than i ever expected...click on the link to see the politico pumpkins.

another great one from McSweeney's

2008-10-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

if you liked Jane Austen Tries Her Hand at Advertising, you'll LOVE:

STD Medication or Character from THE NEVERENDING STORY?

1. Valtrex 2. Supax 3. Artax ....and more

-another fine LIST from McSweeney's

Jane Austen Tries Her Hand at Advertising

2008-10-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

Mr. Clean? Of the Derbyshire Cleans?

-this slogan and others by Halli Melnitsky, courtesy of McSweeney's, a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in bacon. her others are hilarious but it seemed unfair to copy and paste her entire post to our blog, so do click on the title link to see the rest.

p.s. i was a little disappointed when i first clicked on the link that it didn't involve the sale of (1) Mr. Darcy, as played by Colin Firth, brand new in original packaging, dripping wet, emerging from a pond, but one can only dream...

"i was like, did i just have a senior moment?"

2008-10-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

so lag1 kindly pointed out that the last post was linked to the URL for a pair of J.Crew ballet flats, and NOT the Daily Show. it was not intended to trick you, nor was it another test of your fakeness.
my apologies- the link has now been corrected.

Mr. Stewart of course also reminds us that if you are watching the Daily Show, that also automatically makes you a fake American, so beware of clicking on that link!

i am SUPER fake

2008-10-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

super fake American, that is.

According to the following Daily Show formula on how to tell if you are fake American (in the book of say, Sarah Palin and anyone who shows up as a commentator on Fox News):

i.e., Your Fakeness Score=
[(Your town's population * price of a cup of coffee * # of art-house movie theaters * # of streets named after Martin Luther King, Jr.)/(# of pieces of ID needed to buy Sudafed * (#of people who wear trucker hats - # of actual truckers)] * [1/(#of houses of worship not including synagogues-#of bars)].

if this number is less than 10, you are a REAL American.

check out the whole calculation in the first part of the episode here

when you care to send the very best

2008-10-21T16:30:00.000-07:00

pirate's booty

2008-10-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

i may have to get this for my office. now that i have an office. The Store at 826 Valencia: the number one source for all your pirating gear needs.

p.s. shop proceeds go to 826 Valencia Writing Center.

Words of the day

2008-10-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

here at 2lag, we like to think we are not always frivolous, not always making fun of other yellow people, not always directing to you random internet fluff...no, sometimes, we feel that there should be an educational component to this blog. and so, as part of our public duty, we bring you two words of the day:

(originally introduced by lag1)
omelette: I am going to let. As in, "I shuda slapped da fuck out your azz but omelette that shit slide."
-more info from Urban Dictionary

(from lag2)
shoplift the pooty: 1. When a man sleeps with a single mother with a small child (Implied: no intention of commitment). 2. When a man expresses false adoration for a woman's child in order to sleep with her.
As in, "I feel for you, man. But a real man wouldn't shoplift the pooty from a single mom."

-from Urban Dictionary and Jerry Maguire

head over heels

2008-10-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

injecting collagen into your lips is so last year. the new trend is injecting Restylane or other cosmetic filler into the balls of one's feet so that it provides extra cushioning for wearing uber high heels. shoe designers have upped the ante- creating heels and platforms that are now between 5-7 inches high. and believe or not, they are so popular that christian louboutin is planning on unveiling 8 inch stilettos next fall! these injections cost up to $1500 and last for about 9 months.

hmm- i think i will stick with my 4 inch platforms. i'd rather use the $1500 on more fluevog shoes anyway...

this is worth your time. seriously.

2008-10-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

This American Life has produced two excellent shows on our economy. They do a great job of explaining what has happened, and finding the right people to explain clearly what went wrong and why.

(1)
"Another Frightening Show About the Economy," i.e., why we ended up in a financial crisis

(2)
"The Giant Pool of Money," i.e. what was the sub-prime mortgage crisis

you know your hood is uppity

2008-10-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

when you go to the bus stop and you see - in lieu of the customary empty 40 in a brown paper bag- a large wedge of Brie and a package of flatbread.

p.s. thanks to PaxArcana, whose pic led me to this awesome story about the fake bus stop for Alzheimer's patients

baby steps

2008-10-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

(shamu's phone rings. it's newly married dr. d.)
shamu: dude, your f*in cooking? no way!
(pause)
shamu: wait up, wait up, man. there's a difference between lasagna and spaghetti...
(shamu wanders off down the hallway, but i can hear fragments on his conversation)
shamu: okay, so condiments are things like mustard and ketchup...no, no, dude, spices are an investment...
(more enlightening discussion, then just as shamu is wrapping up the convo...)
shamu: hey man- do you know how to turn on the stove?

and then he straightened his tie and went to give a talk on polycystic kidney disease

2008-10-07T19:18:00.001-07:00

did you ever wonder what your doctor does when he's at home? this morning shamu popped into the room singing (AND dancing ),"Apple-bottom jeans, boots with the furrrr, the whole club was looking at herrrr...she hit the flo', next thing I know, Shorty got low low low low looooowwww...."

p.s. Yes, that's from Low by T-Pain.

#9 White Women

2008-10-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

Easy enough to understand- as is the case with any other man of color, dating (or- gasp! marrying-) a white woman is the pinnacle of achievement of this country. Scoring a white woman means you've made it. You are NOT too short, too effeminate, too nerdy, too "foreign." A white woman will not nag you in your mother's voice or invite her 26 cousins to stay for the holidays. Her parents will not look at you and sigh repeatedly about how their friend's son is a rich doctor (unlike you).

Yellow women like white women too, despite this apparent conflict of interest. There really aren't enough white women out there with the yellow fever to pose any threat the selection of yellow men. Furthermore, you can count on your white women friends to frequently remark enviously how skinny you are and murmur supportively about how crazy your mother is.

p.s. it's really unclear what Barbie is doing here with her dog, Tanner. is she picking up a dog biscuit or a turd? you decide.

time to get back to work

2008-10-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

i know, i know, long time no blog. it's back on. i am going to try really hard to climb back on the horse. this may mean sometimes it's not so funny. or interesting. but i really do like blogging, i swear, and i'm going to try to stick with something for once. see you soon.

quotes for the day: slashdot love

2008-04-23T00:00:00.001-07:00

there was a lot of press about the study that shockingly found that males commonly mistake women's signals of sexual interest.
but even better, there was a lot of commentary on the slashdot post about it, including the following:

Huh?
"Speaking entirely subjectively, my own sexual intent, as a woman, is like a ratchet with a very large reset button, with a mischievous monkey in attendance."

The Set-Up

"Female: Gazes deeply into his eyes to give the impression that she is lost in him. This will provide an excellent "how-we-met" story for their kids. She tries to act interested in his interests because she wants to also be interesting to him.

"Male: Asks "Wanna get drunk and play Smash Bros?" with an ulterior motive.

"Obviously. You should be asking her to play Mario Kart."

So True

"Things sure were simpler when we were monkeys."

"Yeah - I'm still waiting for a woman to fling her faeces at me as a clear sign of her sexual intent."

And what does it all mean?

"discussing sex with women on slashdot is like discussing Ubuntu with your grandmother... neither party knows what the hell is going on..."

#8 White Men

2008-04-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

Yellow women are huge fans of white men. By hooking up with white men, they get to have the primo prize of bearing hapa children. But wait- there's more! White men are more likely to cook, clean, and help out around the house. They don't feel threatened if their Yellow women have personal goals, careers, or opinions. Their mothers do not consider Yellow daughters-in-law as glorified servants. And best of all, for Yellow women, there is less of a chance that a white guy will have a lower body-mass-index than she does.

Of course, there are the issues of Yellow fever, culture clash, utter confusion at the sheer size of one's family, body hair, beer guts, yada yada yada. This does not seem to be stopping the mad dash for white guys.

As for Yellow men- it's a little more complicated. They want to hate the White Man for stealing all their women, but at the same time, they can't help liking white guys. White guys make Yellow guys feel smart, culturally superior, and better at dancing. (Of course white guys are nice to Yellow guys- they get to feel taller, manlier, and better positioned to meet Yellow women. It's a win-win situation.)

#7 Boba, mochi, and other chewy desserts

2008-04-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

Second-generation Yellows didn't really grow up with dessert. If you had asked for dessert, your mother would have said, "Here, I cut up orange for you. (Now go study.)" Dessert was reserved for special occasions and would consist of one rice-based sticky-chewy item, cut into 8 miniscule pieces for the entire family to share. For Yellow yuppies, this translates into an obsession for large quantities of little chewy desserts (mochi, boba, etc.), as if one could compensate for the sweets-deprived childhood by having boba/shaved ice/yogurt+ mochi at least once a week, if not every day. Some non-Yellow people have trouble understanding the appeal of slimy chewy food items that are barely sweetened, but somehow it all makes sense. Yummy, delicious sense.

#6 Hapa children

2008-04-18T23:42:00.000-07:00

Yellow people really like hapas. They like them in that sort of desperate-i-want-to-be-just-like-you-but-i-never-can kind of way, normally reserved for the popular girls in the 6th grade. Since Yellow people, by definition, can never be half-Asian, they aspire to the next best thing: having hapa children.

It's a no brainer. Hapa children have nice skin tones that could be "ethnic" without being jaundiced, big round eyes, and a clear height advantage. Studies have shown that 9/10 hapa children are good-looking; 5 of those 9 are downright hot. (Yes, that poor 1/10 does get screwed over.) So what if you didn't become a doctor? You get to parade your beautiful children right next to those puny, squinty-eyed yellow babies at family functions forever.

2lag.blogspot.com gets rave reviews from young Asian professionals

2008-04-18T00:14:00.000-07:00

lag1: I liked your volleyball post. I laughed, I cried...it was better than Rock of Love 2.
lag2: gee, thanks.

#5 New Wave music

2008-04-17T23:55:00.000-07:00

This has to be one of the more perplexing Yellow people phenomena. Up until, say, age 12 or so, Yellow people were perfectly content to listen to Top 40, maybe some rock, maybe even a little old school hip-hop. Then suddenly, when the hormones kicked in, so did the Erasure. and the New Order, Depeche Mode, Pet Shop Boys, and so on. If you fired up some oldie-but-goodie, such as "Living in Oblivion," by Anything Box, your Yellow friends started bobbing their heads in unison. If you were particularly unlucky, they formed a dance circle. As adults, they probably claim to be "over it," but even today, you can find them at Erasure concerts, mingling amongst the throngs of middle-aged gay men.

p.s. Every Yellow person has owned this album, or at least made a mix tape using its tracks. Really.

#4 Asian Club volleyball

2008-04-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

Wherever you live in the U.S., if there are at least six Yellow people in town, you can usually find Yellow people playing volleyball on the local college campus, or the community recreational gym, or the high school gym, or whatever (except the beach). Yellow people like to play volleyball. They like to play with each other. If you get enough of them together, they form a club. Specifically, they form an Asian volleyball club. They have tournaments against other Asian volleyball clubs. They try to limit how many non-Asians are allowed to be on a team. (Are two Hapas okay, but one white person is not?) This behavior is definitely perplexing to people of other colors, since even if they dominate other sports, they would never come out and organize themselves as White people club volleyball, or Black people club basketball. But to Yellow people, it's perfectly reasonable, because let's face it, there's no dignified way to say they play Short people's volleyball.

hitting our target demographic

2008-04-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

2lag has seen a spike in traffic in the past week or so, meaning we went from 2-3 hits per day to about 30-40. and at first i thought, hey, perhaps all this dissing on asians has a market! but then handy little google analytics has shown us that you all are actually looking for images linked to the Emperor's Club. you are a sick, sick people, out there on the internet, and we love you for it.

#3 Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

2008-04-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

Yellow people looove this movie. They love that uptight stiff Asian Harold gets bombed. They love that he gets back at his white frat-boy co-workers who take advantage of his upstanding nerdiness. Yellow guys love that he hooks up with the hot (non-Asian) chick at the end. But perhaps most of all, they love that Cindy Kim's Asian Christian fellowship group at Princeton gets high and naked. Had their Christian fellowship groups been like this, it would have facilitated a lot more hooking up, which is why at least 50% of them joined in the first place.

Weekly Poll: Who's your babydaddy?

2008-04-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

Rumor has it that Tom Cruise paid Katie Holmes somewhere in the neighborhood of $30-$50 million to marry him, have his babies, and as lag1 says, "pretend to be into him."

For $50 million, whom would you choose as your babydaddy?

a. Maury Povich
b. Geraldo Rivera
c. Judge Wapner
d. Montel Williams

Very Belated Emperor's Club Post-Poll Wrap-up

2008-04-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

I can't tell if the small number of votes means that no one liked this last poll, or that you were all too grossed out by the options to even vote.

Hugh was the clear winner in this case, beating out the Donald 2-to-1, and no one wanted to sleep with Rupert Murdoch, not even for $5500 an hour. Ouch. How about a million? (mind you, still not Robert Redford).

okay, admit it- ya'll just want to be the girls next door, but i'll have you know that hgb has reported to me that those girls have real jobs in Hugh's empire and work their bunny tails off. hopefully for at least $5500 an hour...

#2 Sushi

2008-04-13T19:57:00.000-07:00

Yellow people, like White people, also like sushi because it's healthy, but not because it's expensive.

Yellow people like eating sushi because when you eat sushi you can feel like you are more [insert your Asian ethnicity here], whether or not you are even remotely Japanese. You are "keepin' it real" by eating some kind of sushi, even if you never ate Japanese food growing up, your parents always thought it was too expensive, and your grandparents hated everything the Japanese did to their people in the past war/colonial period/conquest.

Since it is part of your heritage, "going out for sushi" is not a special occasion, and the phrase should be passed off in a non-chalant manner, like "going out for pizza." (really expensive pizza)

The exception to this rule is when you are going to [insert name of eponymous Japanese chef restaurant], whose superiority is demonstrated by whether the fish was flown in from Japan that day (undeniably Japanese cuisine!), and how many other Asian people go there. Yellow people prefer restaurants where at least 75% of the clientele are also Asian, because they can feel validated by their choice of venue. The other diners are likely to be as clueless as you were when you started eating sushi, but of course, they must still be assumed to have better judgment than white people.

i'm so crafty

2008-04-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

you can buttons from MuthaCrafter!

(at the rate that it takes me to finish crafts, it WOULD be faster to make people)

#1 Zojirushi Hot Water Dispensers

2008-04-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

while yellow people do like tea and coffee, particularly if chewy items are included*, no household could be considered complete without a Zojirushi Hot Water Dispenser. This guarantees a constant, immediate source of boiling hot water at any time of day for drinks such as tea or coffee**, but the truly yellow should probably admit that they have acquired their parents' affinity for hot water. Just plain hot water, nothing in it. Who knows why, but even in the peak of a wretchedly hot and humid summer, they loves their hot water.

*More on this later

**Using your hot water dispenser to make coffee via French press=subtract two points for unnecessary whiteness

you should be honored by my whiteness

2008-04-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

i know i already wrote a post about Stuff White People Like, but i thought it was worthy of a rehash b.c. my yellow friend dr. pops went through the master list and found, to his dismay, that he was "whiter than [our white friend dr. green]." dr. green, meanwhile, is probably closer to oatmeal heather.*

so of course in a fit of cultural self-loathing, i had to go back and check my own whiteness score...and sure enough, according to my calculations, i am 44.68% white! ack! what happened?? shamu is only 11.7% white. and that includes #11, asian girls (thank goodness).

in order to reclaim my lemony yellow identity, i'll be starting a new series in this blog, inspired by Stuff White People Like, but something closer to Stuff Yellow People Like, or to be more honest, Stuff Twinkies Like.

in the meantime, how white are you? diamond white? lily white? or not white at all- burnt umber?

*1980s J. Crew catalog colors reference=very white

**this is my own scientifically proven whiteness scale: give yourself 1 point for each thing you like, divided by the total number, which is 94 right now.

p.s. does making obscure references to lines in a Kanye West song in your blog post title count as "white" or "not white?"

MMISTM

2008-03-24T18:11:00.001-07:00

lag1 is lamenting her recent weight gain, even though if you know lag1, you know this means she has ballooned from toothpick to pencil. so i am telling her that her problem is that she is used to being mostly skin and bones.

lag1: well also, you and i both suffer from MMISTM syndrome
lag2: ?
lag1: My Man Is Smaller Than Me.

ouch! so true! and unlikely to change, ever.

Peeps Galore!

2008-03-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

thanks to my big sis, for leading us to the Washington Post Sunday Source Second Annual Peeps Diorama Contest. the photos in this gallery contain by far the best use of Peeps i have seen in my lifetime. if you only have a few minutes to spare in the day, i highly recommend that you spend it with their photo gallery of Peeps. the winner was The Tomb of King Peepankhamun.

*photo above is finalist "Peep Art" by Jane Dokko and Ilana Greenstein

mind your step

2008-03-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

remember the simple days when we just walked and chewed gum at the same time? all we had to pay attention to was avoiding being hit by cars or other moving vehicles while crossing the streets. pedestrians in london, however, are faced with a new peril- lamp posts. so many people are now walking and texting/talking on their cell phone at the same time that they don't pay attention and crash into lamp posts and trash cans. london's solution? see above picture.

Peeps! Oh so practical! Oh so cute!

2008-03-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

yes, i have to confess that i occasionally indulge in my soccer-mom urges and flip through Real Simple magazine. for those of you non-moms who are not familiar with the mag (i.e. you prob have a life), every issue features a section on New Uses for old things, and i always wondered if they had a hard time thinking of something every single month.

but ye of little faith, they have a nicely photographed section on New Uses for Peeps. I put up the Peep chopstick holder photo b.c. i find it irresistibly cute, but there are also helpful illustrations of Peep as table leveler, Peep as pincushion, and so on....

sigh...so Real, so Simple!

weekly poll magic

2008-03-18T00:07:00.001-07:00

how do i define success in the weekly poll? obviously, not by the number of votes. but this- this is what i consider the gold star:

lag2: so i put up a new poll again...
big sis: oh, really? let me check out....hmmm...Emperor's Club...hmmm....ew!

p.s. she also thinks that jason bourne had a clear mandate last week. obviously, she has been living in washington for too long.

a journal every teenage girl would love

2008-03-18T00:03:00.000-07:00

this, i think, would have been wholly apropos for the all the journals i owned from 5th grade until...i don't know, senior year of college? except there should be a lot more flesh showing.*

you can buy this and other great recycled-book journals from ex-libris anonymous

*please god, don't strike me down for this blog post.

Weekly Poll: The Emperor's Club Edition

2008-03-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Hey, you've just been elected to public office/handpicked to be a CEO/beat your senior partner in a tough game of squash, and now you've got $5500 in your pocket to burn. Which 7-diamond stud would you pay to pleasure you for an hour?

a. Hugh Hefner
b. Rupert Murdoch
c. Donald Trump

p.s. for some disturbing screen shots of the Emperor's VIP club offerings, you can go here

Post-poll wrap-up: Hillary's revenge

2008-03-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a close one! I really hesitate to even declare a winner for this one, since Jason Bourne received a whopping two votes compared to everyone else's one. What can we learn from this?

1. I put too many choices on the ballot. Contrary to popular belief, too much choice can be bad for you. Or at least, bad for your poll.

2.Pretty much anyone would be better for HRC than Bill Clinton. Or at least, an king fluent in Elvish, a wealthy landed (and hot! if you were thinking Colin Firth) gentleman who appreciates witty women, a fake conservative TV pundit, an unassuming rattling nice guy with incredible devotion to extremely smart women, or an assassin trained under a secret CIA operation would all be better options. Yeah, that's what I thought too.

well, okay, not anyone- i am pretty sure we can all rule out the former governor of New York, who has graciously agreed to inspire the next poll...

bad luck for Italian men

2008-03-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

So apparently a judge in Italy fined a mechanic for grabbing his crotch, supposedly an Italian traditional gesture to ward off bad luck when a hearse drives by.

"Hustling their crotches" was the answer provided by Roy Blunt, Jr, but in order to complete the story, everyone chimed in with other helpful phrases:

"Reached for their best friend"
"Checking on the boss"
"Giving a handshake to your better half"
"Giving five to little Guido"
"Rearranging the family photo"
"Rolling the pizza dough"

"Italian men lose what we thought was a birthright" in the Opening Panel Round, from Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

And in other news, the Miss Outdoors Pageant in Golden Hill, Maryland, some contestants (while in full make-up, wearing sparkly earrings), skin a primped-up blow-dried muskrat for the talent portion of the competition. Then they go back and put on a evening gown. You can look forward to the upcoming documentary about this contest, "Muskrat Lovely."

("Skinning the muskrat," was also suggested as another euphemism...)
-from the Bluff the Listener segment

hmmm, can you think of other euphemisms?
Patting the sushi? Slurping the noodles? oh wait, that's something else....

sweet! we made #11

2008-03-07T22:25:00.000-08:00

"White men love asian women so much that they will go to extremes such as stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC or UCLA...."

#11 Asian Girls, Stuff White People Like.

Barack made #8 in an awesome Friends shot--and its extension, #14 Having Black Friends

i wish someone would pay ME to make out

2008-03-06T23:11:00.000-08:00

Apparently, concerned about declining birth rates and overall general lack of sex, the Singaporean government has decided to take matters into the hands of the state. This included a special 12-page newspaper section:

"The section was titled 'Yes, Prime Minister! An All-Out Make-Out Guide.' On one page was an article headlined 'GET LUCKY SPOTS,' which included tips on the best places in Singapore to have sex in a car....On the opposite page a columnist exhorted Singaporean men to 'rise to the occasion and do your country proud...Another piece itemized the essential components of a 'Make-out Kit': among other things, K-Y Jelly; Wet Ones, to 'clean up, freshen up and mop up'...and 'cushions, for extra padding, comfort and lift.'"

-Joshua Kurlantzick, "Love, Singaporean Style." The Atlantic Monthly, July/August 2001.

Weekly Poll: The First Man

2008-03-06T23:04:00.000-08:00

the other night, shamu dogged HRC for her somewhat robotic smiles, and i had to admit, if YOU had to deal with your husband's affairs w/ cigars and interns in a national scandal...wouldn't you be a robot?

so for hillary, this week's poll: It's 2009 and HRC has been elected the nation's first female president. as one of her first acts, she decides the replace the First Man with a sweeter, worthier, manlier or just all around better version.

Who should be Hillary's next husband?
a. Aragorn, son of Arathorn
b. Mr. Darcy
c. Stephen Colbert
d. Lloyd Dobbler
e. Jason Bourne

Vice President Poll wrap-up

2008-03-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

Well, thanks to our trusty readers, we can now suggest a running mate for Barack Obama!
It looks like despite his giant slug appearance, voters decided that Jabba the Hutt would still be more palatable. Exit polling suggests that voters thought Jabba seemed slightly less evil than the other two options. Either that, or they wanted to see Barack in a gold bikini.

However, my bro did contend that with Sauron as a running mate, the Obama-Sauron campaign could use the Eye's powers to compel people to vote for them.

Tough choices....

p.s. i did consider adding Dick Cheney as the fourth option of this poll, but i held back.

aspiring to be the next cliche

2008-03-02T22:05:00.000-08:00

just want to give props to Cary Tennis, from Salon.com's Since You Asked, on the new American Dream:

"In this dream, you... shower with solar-heated water and walk down a pleasantly crowded pedestrian way to catch some breakfast at a sunny outdoor cafe and then walk to a well-designed mass transit hub where you catch a fast, comfortable and efficient train to work. Or you work at home...when you start to feel isolated and restless you step out of your house to mingle on the street or jog or cycle on a nature path. And maybe you pick some wild watercress on the way and when you get back you make a salad for your wife, who is conducting a seminar on Chaucer in the living room."

i think this description is rather Colbert-worthy. the only part that is missing is where you listen to sustainable living news on NPR on your iPod while you are riding the train to work.

Sign #24 from "How to Tell if You're a Girlie Man"

2008-02-28T23:51:00.000-08:00

the staff/personalities of This American Life got their testosterone levels checked. producer Tom Ford was utterly demoralized when they learned he has the lowest testosterone level amongst the men.

"it would have been fine if I had been the lowest, if I were a producer on say, Sports Center, but public radio??"

to which testosterone-champ David Rakoff replies, "What's SportsCenter?"

i have to admit, i would feel pretty unmanly for losing to : 1) Ira Glass, whose radio voice is so intimate and effeminate, it's really hard to believe that he's a straight male, and 2)David Rakoff, the bitingly hilarious gay humorist, who happens to enjoy Martha Stewart and crafts more than TV. and clearly, does not watch SportsCenter.

Act 3. Contest-osterone. This American Life, episode 220. Feb. 22, 2008.

Vice-Presidential Day * Poll: Oh yeah? Where's your Hope Machine NOW?

2008-02-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

It's the end of August, and Barack Obama has "hoped" all the way to the Democratic Presidential nomination. Meanwhile, his online fan base is having a raging blog debate over whether Obama is "perfect" or "super perfect."

But is that golden shield of Hope really impenetrable? If you were Barack Obama, who would you choose as your running mate?

a. Sauron
b. Lord Voldemort
c. Jabba the Hutt

*The little-known, quietly celebrated holiday that falls on the Monday after President's Day, in which we honor those paragons of history for their exemplary Vice-Presidential qualities (showing up, waiting until after lunch to get drunk, gamely promoting their loony "climate change" ideas...)

President's Day Edition: Post-poll wrap-up

2008-02-27T13:03:00.000-08:00

well, America voted, and it looks like you overwhelmingly prefer Tom Cruise as the next leader of the free world. i am going to guess that you decided that all three have serious psychiatric issues, but we have not heard of any substance abuse problems on Mr. Cruise's part. either that, or the Authority is working ha ha ha ha ha ha...

new vision for the blog

2008-02-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

how about if we make a center for "Asian-dessert-youth-pop-culture"?
i don't know what that means, but it sure sounds great. like we could test out yogurt-filled cream puffs topped with boba. while we wear miniskirts, text our friends, feed our electronic pets, and dance to cheesy pop music. all in a day's work before we go home and study math for 6 hours.

from Julia Moskin, "The Legions of Frozen Yogurt Push East," NYT. February 27, 2008

gee, how can i get on this bandwagon?

2008-02-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

Jimmy Kimmel has clearly moved on to other fish in the sea, or perhaps to another pond, in his video, I'm F*ing Ben Affleck.

This, of course, in response to Sarah Silverman's gut-busting, i mean, heartbreaking video, I'm F*ing Matt Damon...

public radio shout outs

2008-02-22T16:10:00.000-08:00

ahhhh, podcasts. between "free" and "bus ride," i have become a total public radio junkie. here are some recent favs:

Sandra Tsing Loh, of The Loh Life, on feeling like the unwashed, unpopular kid by supporting Hillary:

"Anyway, it was the third time I was invited to an Obama party – you know, the kind where attractive singles meet other attractive singles for hiking! And biking! It was then that I perversely solidified into a sullen lump of Camp Hillary."
Hillary in a Handbasket, Part 1
Hillary in a Handbasket, Part 2

Learn about the Vice Presidents from Weekend America:

"...when the New York State Legislature refused to pony up its share of war funding for the War of 1812, Tompkins turned out his own pockets. He borrowed money, put up his own house as collateral and paid for the whole state's contribution himself.

"That's the kind of thing that gets a man elected vice president.

"But no one paid him back.

"So he spends his whole time in office suing the government and trying to get out of terrible debt. And drinking. He spends a lot of time drinking."

William Rufus DeVane King, VP to Franklin Pierce

Listen to Ultimate Fighting Championship star Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell answers trivia questions about the Bush family:

Did you know that the Bush great-grandfather sent his son to work in a steel mill, as punishment for throwing up drunk to lunch?

on Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

2 out of 3 kidney doctors

2008-02-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

get kidney stones?
so shamu called up eb to tell him his kidney stone story, and guess what? turns out eb had one too. and now they are talking about the stone extraction process, should one's stone not pass quietly into that good night.

here are the snippets of their phone conversation that i can pick up while shamu walks around the house.

shamu: yeah, but i don't want to have to see him at work the next day and be like, "hey man, thanks for sticking the catheter up my penis," or "hey, did you like what you saw? were you impressed with the size of it? the stone, i mean?"

shamu: what, you had one too? i don't remember this!....no, man, i would remembered the part where your dad gave you an enema.

shamu: okay, this is going to sound really bad, but um, did you get hard-on when you had it done?

p.s. you can buy your own stuffed kidney here

when Depends start to look good

2008-02-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

because you never know when you might get trapped with your pants on.

hgb: my zipper got stuck on my pants, and i tried to pull it open, but i guess i pulled too hard and the pull broke off. now i can't un-zip and i'm stuck in my pants! what if i have to pee before i can get out of work?i don't want to cut my pants open, but i'm not sure what i can do...

and later, when she managed to make it home, pee-free:

hgb: i'm at home now, and i'm trying to cut the zipper off but my scissors are too big. and i can't really get close enough to see! the only other thing i can think of is the kitchen knives, but we just got them sharpened and i'm a little scared.

lag2: NO, NO, don't go for the kitchen knives!

hgb: yeah, it didn't seem like a good idea. and then i was thinking, what if i hurt myself? what if i ended up in Trauma, where they cut off all your clothes anyways??

anyways, luckily hgb found some kind of hook implement and was able to take out the stitching of the zipper, thus freeing herself and her bladder from urinary disaster....

dealing with yet another rebellious teenager

2008-02-19T11:22:00.001-08:00

(my apologies, continuing with the current theme of politically-themed posts)

now that she's retired and living in Taiwan, my mom spends more time in political organizing activities,* and sometimes it sounds more like she's grappling with her unruly fourth child:

mom: the KMT Party controls all the major media outlets except one! the people of Taiwan are manipulated so easily! they don't know any better! and now some people are getting frustrated so they don't go vote.

lag2: it's part of a maturing democracy, ma. voter turnout goes down.

mom: no, it is too young to be behaving this way!

*what, that's not what your mom does? huh, you didn't grow up running letter-writing campaigns and distributing petitions and getting out of school to protest? how weird.

did YOU know

2008-02-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

that in the time that the people of Kosovo declared independence, the people of Pakistan voted against Musharraf, and Fidel Castro announced that he will step down after ruling Cuba since 1959....

i wrote a couple mediocre papers with breaks to read Project Runway blogs, and shamu watched three days' worth of Blind Date, My Dad is Better Than Your Dad, American Idol Rewind, Making of the Band, America's Best Dance Crew, the Exe Factor, and any other unscripted show on MTV or Fox?

in case people want to know what they have to look forward to, with democracy.

Special President's Day Poll

2008-02-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

If you could replace George W. Bush for one day with a celebrity, which one would it be?

a. Tom Cruise
b. Britney Spears
c. Mel Gibson

happy president's day!

2008-02-18T16:31:00.001-08:00

which U.S. president would be in your Top Five? i'd pick Lincoln. then i could speed-dial him right now and ask him to write my public policy midterm for me. then i could continue my highly productive blogging activities.

and just outside the hall of Presidents (think Top Six, for me):

i mean, if lincoln was too busy saving the nation, or had already gotten a six-figure contract to do someone else's oratory, i'd settle for colbert.

p.s. right below the portrait are two water fountains, and on either side are the restrooms. yep, i got to see this national treasure in person. btw, this is not me in the picture, but some girl who ended up on abc.com

p.p.s. i know what you're thinking- if this is what i'm doing instead of working on my midterm, i need help. anyone's help.

don't let this happen to you (or me)

2008-02-15T22:02:00.001-08:00

after reading an article of how warcraft addiction led to divorce.

hgb: promise you will never become like him
cc: haven't i cut down significantly already?
hgb: well, it's like cutting down from eating pizza 7 days a week to 5 days a week.

from WoWW to HKOW

2008-02-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

Look out, World of Warcraft, there's a new sheriff in town, and her name is Kitty. Hello Kitty.
that's right, Hello Kitty now has her own MMORPG, and you can sign up to be a privileged beta tester here.
(for those of you perhaps somewhat less familiar with Sanrio speciation, this is obviously a picture of a giant house for Purin.)

i only have 28

2008-02-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

here's my Valentine for those of you anti-Valentine's day fans.
you can find more cards like this here.

Valentine's Day: Keeping the embers smoldering after ten years

2008-02-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

shamu: you want a rock for Valentine's Day?
lag2: are you talking about your kidney stone?

California wife confirms research findings

2008-02-13T21:46:00.000-08:00

Half of UK Men Would Swap Sex for 50 inch TV
In a survey of 2000 Britons, electrial retailer Comet found that nearly half would give up sex for six months in exchange for a 50-in. plasma TV.

shamu: when did we start getting cable? oh yeah, back in May, when we got our TV.
lag2: that's great- you remember exactly when we got the TV but you forgot your niece's birthday yesterday.